We Found It!

The garage! We know where it is! Hallelujah! There is a God!

I'm going to map the garage sites of Epping (I now know every single bloody one) and post the map to the District Council, suggesting they make multiple copies and hand them to new garage keepers so other people don't end up taking a week to find their newly rented property!

Still, it's a nice garage and a quiet spot. And we still have the keys to the old one, in case the County Council change their minds and don't knock them down after all.

Filthy Habit

Remember Uncle Buck's car? Every time he started the damned thing it billowed smoke like a factory chimney. The Fiat must've seen the movie too. They are exactly the antics it has decided to mimick to the point where it is really beginning to get embarassing.

Picture the scene - it's a busy supermarket car park. We put the shopping on the back seat, hop in the Fiat and ready ourselves to depart (which involves all the usual faffing with seatbelts, fumbling for battery isolator key, &c.)

Meanwhile, and unbeknownst to us, a middle-aged lady wanders over to the car parked behind us and starts to transfer shopping from trolley to trunk (or boot, or whatever you want to call it). We reversed in, she reversed in, so there we are, back to back.

Oblivious, my girlfriend gives it a quick pump of the gas, turn of the key and the little 500cc motor ticks in to life... with an enormous black cloud of oil smoke, completely engulfing afforementioned unfortunate shopper. Oops. We make a cheerful apology and a hasty exit.

I really must get it fixed. While the rest of the country obsesses on quitting smoking, our Italian baby starts! Typical!

In the meantime I'm waiting for it to develop the other Uncle Buckesque trait - the window-shattering back-fire when it stops.

Garages - The Full Story

Look. No 'N'. I'm proud of me for breaking that vicious cycle. Now, I know I digress from the topic of motoring slightly with this (and the previous) post, but I simply must tell you how things panned out with the Council(s). And I strongly suspect the local paper would like this too.

Now a garage is a fairly simple structure (see photo - those are actually in Slough, probably most famous for The Office - but you get the idea). A concrete shed with a thin metal door suitable for keeping a car in. Unfortunately, most garages are owned by local Councils and the upshot of this is the bureaucracy and incompetence surrounding their management is often jaw-dropping.

When I moved to Epping last July I intended to take on the tenancy of the garage the previous owner occupied. He had done this five years previous when he took on the cottage himself and didn't seem to think it would be a problem. He informed us the Council tended to give preference to the cottages where I live, because we have no off street parking.

There was just one piece of information missing - he didn't specify which Council. Being new to the town, we assumed he meant the District Council since they have the most imposing presence and fanciest building.

So off I go, bravely and naively in to the realms of local government to try and claim my garage tenancy. Nine months, three letters, multiple emails and telephone conversations later, I am beginning to decipher what actually happened.

Under the impression the District Council rented the garages behind the church in Epping I contacted them first, explaining the situation, telling them I wished to take tenancy of the garage behind the church - as the previous property owner had before - and was this possible? Here's what they said:

No. We'll send you some forms so you can join the list.

And here's what they actually should have said:

We have to confess, we don't have anything to do with that garage site. In fact, it is controlled by the Town Council but I'm sure they can tell you what their policy is if you give them a call.

Bit of a difference, wouldn't you say? If they had told me in the first place the garages weren't actually theirs, this whole saga would never have happened.

Onwards.

The District Council proceeded to send me forms to apply for a place on a garage site they didn't even run. The forms arrived, I called the District Council to ask the proper name of the garage site and was told to put "behind the church" (this was their second opportunity to tell me the garages weren't actually theirs), filled them in and sent them off. There. I'm on the list for a garage in Epping, with a stated preference of the site behind the church. All I can do now is wait.

In the meantime, our good neighbours to the right of our cottage both move to Chelmsford, vacating a garage on the site. One of them popped over and said we should call the Council as there was a garage up and he was sure we'd get it. Again, I called the District Council about the garages behind the church, only to be tersely told to wait my turn. (A third opportunity to tell me they didn't even look after those garages!!)

I gave up at this point, I resigned myself to being on the list until something came up. So imagine my shock when I discover the District Council are saying they have a glut of garages in Epping (see previous post). Now, and only now, do our heroes inform me:

• They don't look after the garages behind the church - the Town Council do
• They have loads of garages, but thought we only wanted one on the Chapel Road site

I wanted to scream, cry and laugh all at once. I didn't even know where Chapel Road was! Why would I want a garage there specifically??

But at least there was now light at the end of the tunnel. The District Council immediately offered me a garage on their Springfield 'C' site, which I took because a garage fifteen minutes away on foot is far superior to no garage at all when you want to keep a classic car dry.

I picked up the keys this morning, however the lady I spoke to didn't know where the garages were. Of course! What else should I expect from a local government organisation which kept me on the line for nine months trying to rent me a garage they didn't own?

There are three council garage sites somewhere in the south end of Epping, down the hill - Springfield A, B and C. I drove all over the place this morning and found A. I continued, in and out of every side street, and as I was verging on giving up I found B. I then gave up. I still have no bloody idea where C is and neither do the Council. I've spotted a likely location on Google Maps using the satellite imagery (see the sandy vertical strip in the centre of the shot) which I shall be investigating, as it's the last likely location I can see anywhere in the whole town. Wish me luck!


In the meantime, I finally knew who really did look after the garages behind the church - the Town Council - so I could call them and ask about getting one. The sucker punch?

The Town Council only rent the garages behind the church so can't help. They don't own them. And the County Council (who do own them) have ear-marked them for demolition. Of course, we don't know that for sure yet, because much in the same way as the District Council don't actually know where their own garages are, the County Council don't know what they do with theirs - instead they referred me to a private property management company who look after all that stuff for them. And this company will only deal with me in writing. So that's where my Council Tax is going, eh? Ho hum.

New Garage

I really must start my next post with some letter other than an 'N' - it's reaching epidemic proportions. Anyway...

Something like 6 months ago I requested an application form from the District Council in Epping to put myself on the waiting list for a local Council garage. I received the form, filled in most of it, but got to a part where it asked me to name my preferred site. Unsure as to what to put down, I called the council.

I got through to a perfectly helpful (I'm guessing middle-aged) lady to whom I explained I was interested in the garages behind the church, but anything in Epping would be fine. She cheerfully clucked at me that the waiting list for those garages was "years long". (No particularly surprise to me, given the scarcity of garages in Southwell, Notts. where my parents and the Lotus live.) But nevertheless, she assured me if I wrote "behind the church" on my application, everything would be fine and dandy. So I did.

So 6 months on, imagine my surprise at finding this news item on the Council website:

Renting a garage in Epping Forest district

Do you want somewhere to park your car?

Well, yes actually! I thought I was on your list!

Council garages are available now at discounted rents in Buckhurst Hill, Epping, Loughton, Shelley (Ongar) and Waltham Abbey.

We own around 3,000 garages throughout the Epping Forest district. The normal rent is £12.50 per fortnight for council tenants, and £14.68 for other residents. Some garage blocks are in high demand and have waiting lists, others are less popular. These low demand garages are available now at a discount of 50% off the normal rent for the first year.

Is that so? Then why on God's green Earth has no one called me and asked me if I want one of them, since I'm on "the list"?? I was a little irritated by this, and sent a terse (admittedly) but fair email to the Housing Services division of the Council to that effect. Their reply?

Dear Mr Harvey,

When you completed your application form you stated you would like to be considered for a garage behind the Church, these garages are not owned by the Council so I put you on the waiting list to our nearest site, Chapel Road. As you are now willing to accept a garage not so close to your address, I would be able to offer you a garage on our Springfield 'C' site as we have a few vacancies there at the moment.

Woah woah woah...! So let me get this straight. Firstly, the garages I wanted to rent (the ones I dicussed on the telephone) don't even belong to the council? Instead they signed me up to a different list for some garages I didn't even know existed? And no one thought to mention that to me?? Secondly, now I stand accused of changing my mind, according to the Council representative concerned... what the...?

Well that really is rather irritating. The fact is I *never* said I was unwilling to accept any garage except for the ones across the street. In fact, I specifically remember stating exactly the opposite on the telephone! And since the form asked me to state a preference, I had no idea that in doing so I was completely excluding myself from being offered any other garages in Epping.

Naturally, I replied - politely - explaining how the misunderstanding came about and suggesting how they might rectify this so it doesn't happen in the future:

For the record (and by way of feedback - I appreciate there was clearly a misunderstanding here) from my perspective I was never aware I was only on the list for one garage site - when I spoke to council officials previously on the telephone (and in all dealings on this matter) I have always stated behind the church was ideal location, but not essential and was given the impression that was understood and I would be considered for any garages in Epping. Evidentally this was not the case, and had I not seen the news item on your website I would've been on the list for the Chapel Road site until doomsday while other Epping garages lay empty.

The confusion was exacerbated by the wording of the council form I filled out when applying, which gave me the impression I was stating a preference for a garage behind the church - not accidentally excluding myself from being offered any other options in the town. Might I suggest adding an extra option on the form - a checkbox allowing people to express an interest in other sites if offered? This would avoid such confusion in the future.

Thanks again for getting back to me so swiftly, and I look forward to taking on a garage.

The response to my suggestion? Deafening silence. Now, call me old fashioned, but I would expect at least a "thank you for your feedback and we'll bear it in mind" - even if it's an insincere load of old cobblers, it is still better than nothing. I didn't even get an acknowledgement. Rubbish! If a private company carried on like that they wouldn't have very happy customers.

Never mind. The good news is it looks like we have a garage again for the Fiat. The bad news is my lack of faith in civil servants is once again proven completely justified. *sigh*

New Plates

The new number plates were fitted to the Fiat this morning and they look good. The front one takes a bit of getting used to as it is much larger than the Milanese plate that was on the car.

For reasons known only to himself, the first owner drilled holes through the front panel to fit the original plates. We're now stuck with that decision, unless we fill and respray the front panel or replace it entirely - neither of which are a particularly good idea at this moment in time.

Normally people hang British plates beneath the front bumper on UK registered Fiat 500s, so it doesn't look like the car is sporting a moustache. This is infinitely preferable in my opinion, but sadly not an option right now. One thing I can do is procure a motocycle plate for the front at some point. I don't think it's technically "legal" , but no one cares anyway and it will look a lot less imposing on such a tiny car.

We also had a bit of a dilemma as to how we might put holes through our new ironmongery - we expected them to come pre-drilled (since we left the originals with the shopkeeper) but to our dismay they weren't and the chap we bought them from wasn't sure where we could get them drilled.

I wasn't comfortable drilling the holes myself with my cheap Homebase power drill and free metal bit (of dubious quality). So I ended up taking a lump hammer and a 6" nail to the metalwork which is, as I suspected, actually a very effective and controlled way to put holes in thin sheet metal, even if it sounds a little hairy! Infinitely preferable to a drill slipping, or some similarly ugly mishap.

So there you go - fully street legal in British trim. Very nice. And for good measure we went for a nice long drive and got an "English breakfast" for lunch. Yum!

News Update

Not much has happened in the world of classic motoring over the last month. The weather has been dreadful, so the Lotus has been in the workshop getting a new starter motor, an MOT and a tune up in readiness for the summer.

The Fiat has been holed up in the garage with no number plates on it while we wait for the black and silver British plates to arrive. We're taking advantage of our remaining time with a garage to make sure everything is street legal. Still looking for another garage, but it's looking bleak I'm afraid. I may be reduced to a card in the Post Office. You never know!

I'm looking forward to driving the Lotus for the first time in ages next weekend (25th/26th March) and can't wait to see if all the mechanical tinkerings have made much difference.

And we pick up the new plates for the Fiat tomorrow morning, so I will fit them and take it out for a spin with British plates and tax disk for the first time! Hurrah!

More next week.

Homeless

Oh great calamity! Oh woe is me! For Epping Town Council have decided not to renew their lease with the District Council on the plot of land behind the church in Epping.

So?

That very plot of land is where Epping Town Council has three rows of garages, one of which houses our Fiat, all of which will be demolished on, or shortly after, 1st April 2006. I'm sure the District Council will then sell the land to developers who will shoe-horn twenty three "luxury" homes on to the plot and sell them for £749,999 each.

All of which I couldn't care less about. I will be street parking our beloved Fiat 500, something about which I am not best pleased. And I suppose we will all be placed on the same council list for the remaining Epping garages, which is much longer than any normal man's arm and has just been about doubled in length by recent events. In other words, there is little chance of the council rehoming the tenants of the garages they are demolishing any time in the next five years!

I am now trying to procure a garage privately, but alas private garages to rent seem to be about as rare as Fiat 500 roof racks.

Ho hum.

A Rose By Any Other Name

Would it really smell as sweet? What am I babbling about? Bear with me ...

My father is a Daily Telegraph reader. Terrible habit, I know, but what can you do ... ? One thing it does seem to do very well though is the motoring section. Which seems to be about the only bit he reads. He has an Honest John quote for every occasion!

So when I visited for the weekend before Christmas he had saved an article for me. And courtesy of all these newspapers publishing online these days, I can share it with you - "Why Buy An MX-5?"

Now let's get one thing straight. The MX-5 is actually a corking little motor. It's modelled on the original Lotus Elan of the 1960s - that's why it's so popular. It represents classic motoring with modern reliability, and it's the car which delivers the most bang for your budget ... until recently, that is.

Enter Spyder Cars. They will take an Elan +2 (like mine, though I wouldn't cut up such a nice example) and throw away everything but the bodyshell and the interior. Those bits they will stick on top of their own custom chassis, complete with 2.0 litre Ford Zetec engine for about the same money as a new MX-5.

Wha .... ?? So, you have a brand new car and a classic Lotus Elan all at the same time. Wonderful! Alternative to running a classic +2S? I don't believe so. The Spyder Cars Lotus conversion I would buy. As a day car. But from my perspective, there is no way on Earth you can replace a genuine, well kept classic with a modern conversion. The rose would smell more like an orchid. Still very nice, don't get me wrong, but just not the same.

If the company I work for offer me a £20,000 company car allowance tomorrow though, I know exactly where I'm going ...

Photograph courtesy of Practical Classics.

Taxed And Plated

I just thought I'd note the DVLA sent through the UK license plate letter (indeed, we've been assigned an old 1971 'J' plate) and the free, "Historic", tax disc for the Fiat. The steps I detailed previously in "Done And Dusted" are indeed correct at this present time and we had everything processed without issue.

At the moment the Fiat is still carrying Italian plates and tax information, as I don't see the point of displaying a UK tax disc with Italian plates. It's more likely to attract the attention of some traffic warden like that than it is with all Italian markings - and at the end of the day, if I get a producing order everything is UK-legal. So, next weekend off to a number plate manufacturer to get our black and white (well, silver really) plates made up!

My only problem now is going to be finding someone who is prepared to do me a motorcycle plate for the front. The one on it at the moment is a slightly smaller size than is strictly legal. Hmmmm ...

They Must Be Mad

What happens when you take a standard Fiat 500, rip out everything, put the stripped bodyshell (with newly flared wheel arches, of course) back on a custom racing chassis and fit a super-light, 150bhp, Ducati 999R motorcycle engine in the boot? You have the F500, perhaps the most ridiculous supercar known to man.

It will do 0-60mph (0-100kph) in under 4 seconds. It is limited to 120mph (195kph). It has the most ludicrous power to weight ratio in the known universe and better performance than a Ferrari Enzo. Indeed its makers, racing engineers Hartham, refer to it as "truly a miniature Ferrari in every sense".

This sort of insanity and irresponsible engineering is very likely to get people killed. But they will die with the smile to end all smiles on their face if they do it at 120mph in an F500. Fantastic. If I had the spare cash, I'd order one today.

And you've got to love the badging.